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Sugar Shock

If things had gone as planned and I had posted this on Friday morning you would be reading something different than what you are about to read.

You would have been reading a logical, rational, and most likely smug smack-down on sugar and my plans for a regimented, invigorating cleanse.

I didn’t get a chance to blog yesterday (because I was watching Star Trek with Sam) so I started on my sugar-free journey today without announcing it to the entire internet. Lucky you.

Sweet Mary Mother of God this sucks.

It sucks so badly and I felt so awful and I’ve decided to completely re-jig what I’m doing.

The Original Plan

Eliminate every scrap of sugar. Meaning all cane sugar products, high fructose corn syrup and artificial sweeteners. I have some local honey for my morning oatmeal and the some agave nectar for coffee. Oh, yeah I was going to cut down from three cups of coffee a day to one.

Hahaahahahahahahaha! What the hell was I thinking?

By 11:30 I was tired and shaky. Then I started thinking maybe I was being too over the top with my endeavors. I go from one extreme to the other. Last week I consumed: coke, ice cream, candy bars, donuts (several times), iced lattes, sweet tea, cake, brownies, and cookies. I had 2 servings of junk food just about every day. Partly because it is readily available for free in our breakroom at work and partly because I didn’t give two shits about my health.

Now going from sugar binge to no sugar was dramatic to say the least. I absolutely think it was setting me up for failure. If I continued I would get worn down and I would fail in some insignificant way (hello teaspoon of sugar in my coffee) and say oh well and eat a dozen donuts. Sugar was not my only health concern; I had also strayed onto that dangerous path of eating tons of bread and dairy and not getting in fruits and vegetables. Bad vegetarian.

What I need to do is focus on moderation. Drink my coffee, but have plenty of water too. Have a sandwich for lunch, but see to it that my plate is filled with plenty of healthy vegetables.

Maybe instead of taking a negative approach of not having this and avoiding that I should think of positive things to do.

New Plan

- Focus on whole foods instead of processed junk

- Fill my plate with fruit and vegetables instead of loading it with bread

- Ensure I have protein with every meal so I’m not tired and reaching for sugar

- Drink 12 cups of water a day rather than worrying about my coffee intake

Now I feel motivated to have a hot date with reality and health tomorrow. Positivity for the win!Image

 

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Book Drunk, TBR check-in, Pym News, and Classics Spin

ImageI think I may be slowly losing my mind. I’m back to getting a mere four to five hours of sleep at night and it isn’t due to worry or kids or anything else. I simply want to stay up late to read. Or, rather, I wake to feed Persy between 1:30 and 2 in the morning and then I have a rotten time going back to sleep. So I read.

Last night I finished Anne Lamott’s Bird by Bird: Instructions on Writing and Life at 3 in the morning. It was lovely to be half-dazed by insomnia and drinking in all the words and images and I really felt like Lamott was there beside me and tutting encouragement. I will do a more thorough review at some point, but suffice it to say that I am devastatingly hungry for words. I want to write them. I want to read them. Books are haunting me. In the shower last night I suddenly felt like I should re-read The Mists of Avavlon. Today, while doing ILL business, I thought of a certain Thomas Hardy novel I keep meaning to read. Upon watching a certain bit of comical madness in the library I decided I was living in a Barbra Pym novel and should begin transcribing everything.

All the words.

Having my book mojo back is infinitely delightful. Maybe this means I will actually get some work done on various reading projects. Let’s take a look at where I stand on reading projects:

  • TBR Pile – I finished Rough Magic: A Biography of Sylvia Plath and you can read that review here. I’m on my second TBR book, Barbra Pym’s Civil to Strangers and Other Writings. Of course it is classic witty Pym.
  • Which leads me to Pym week! I’m cohosting with Thomas a week of celebrating Barbara Pym. Join us June first as we begin the festivities! Bring your cardigan!
  • My Classics Club reading is going about as well as can be expected. Okay, scratch that… it is happening at a molasses pace. I’m still reading Vanity Fair and I cannot decide if I like it. I hate Becky and Amelia and so the book is painful in parts. I’ll post a more thorough review when I’m done.
  • Next up is an 18th Century English Literature event wherein I attempt Fanny Burney!
  • In keeping with my Classic Clubs endeavors, I’ve decided to participate in the Classics Spin #2. I will list 20 classic books and on May 20th a number will be chosen at the Classics Club and I will read the title that corresponds to that number in the list. Below is my list:
  1. The Warden by Anthony Trollope
  2. The Mayor of Casterbridge by Thomas Hardy
  3. He Knew he Was Right by Anthony Trollope
  4. The Painted Veil by W. Somerset Maugham
  5. The Heat of the Day by Elizabeth Bowen
  6. Jenny by Sigrid Undset
  7. A House and Its Head by I. Compton-Burnett
  8. No Name by Wilkie Collins
  9. Wives and Daughters by Elizabeth Gaskell
  10. Dianna of the Crossways by George Meredith
  11. The Shorter Fictions of Virginia Woolf
  12. Custom of the Country by Edith Wharton
  13. Mr. Fortune’s Maggot by Sylvia Townsend Warner
  14. East Lynne by Mrs. Ward
  15. The Go-Between by L P Hartley
  16. A Handful of Dust by Evelyn Waugh
  17. The Judge by Rebecca West
  18. Daniel Deronda by George Eliot
  19. Hunt the Slipper by Violet Trefusis
  20. The Princess and the Goblin by George MacDonald

Loads of wonderful bookish stuff this spring! Now, to dig back into that Pym novel…

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A Full Heart

A month ago my friend went missing. We were close as teenagers but drifted apart. For the past few years I’d see her at restaurants, the elementary school, the grocery store. Her oldest son and her daughter are in grade school. Her youngest boy is just two weeks older than Persy Jane. We talked of baby playdates, but never made plans.

They found her body 24 hours or so later. My heart absolutely broke. I wish I had been there for her more. I ache for her children.o

Last week things got worse for those kids. I wish I could make all the hurt and loss disappear. I cannot.

This Mothers Day my heart is full of grief. I feel ridiculously lucky that I have my kids and my husband. I am also happy they have me. I don’t know what the future holds, but right now I have love, happiness, and peace.

I am so very blessed.

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5 Years

Today marks five years with Sam. Five happy, full years of change and growth.

Yesterday we were talking about this time five years ago which involved gallons of coffee, staying up all night, endless conversation, and loads of kissing.

Today is a bit different. Up at 5, dropping Hope off for a field trip, grocery shopping, sweeping, dishes, a sick toddler, a nursing baby, a lawn that desperately needs some care, and moths flying out of our wallets.

Although we stay up all night for very different reasons, everything else is still there:  gallons of coffee, endless conversation, and loads of kissing. I wouldn’t change anything about our life. Sam brings me happiness, peace, security, and laughter.

I love you, Sam. I cannot wait to be one person to annoy you for the rest of your life. Image Our Future Anniversary

Seriously…. GALLONS OF COFFEE

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Persy Jane, 3 months

Persy Jane, 3 months

Last Saturday Persy turned 3 months old. I cannot believe my sweet, cuddly, laid-back little girl is already a quarter of the way through her first year.

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May 10, 2013 · 11:33 am

Rough Magic: a Biography of Sylvia Plath by Paul Alexander

If you’ve read my blog for more than five minutes then you know that I’m a bit of a Plath fanatic. My love of Plath has manifested itself in many different ways since my first discovery of Plath when I was about 11 or 12 years old. It was about 1992 and my mom and I were in a gutted department store at the giant, annual library book sale. It was fire sale day. For $5 one could fill a giant paper sack full of books. And fill bags we did… lots and lots of bags. As a bookworm with a love for the classics I threw in every stinkin’ book that even looked enticing or if I sense an author name was familiar into the bag it went.We went home — the day was rainy — with the car trunk loaded to the brim. It took us several weeks to get the books inside; we’d smuggle a few a day and add them to the shelves in an attempt to avoid a lecture on “too many books in the house” from my father.

A title that left the car on the first evening and found a home on my bookshelf headboard was a yellowed and battered copy of The Journals of Sylvia Plath (the Hughes-approved McCullough edition). I devoured the book. At this time I was hitting puberty, I was angry, I read voraciously, and I wrote poems that made no sense and usually involved ridiculous amounts of blood. Plath’s journals — at least this version — focused on Plath the writer and Plath the Depressed. I believed these things had to go together if you’re a girl. As Bikini Kill sings in Bloody Ice Cream Song:

 The sylvia plath story is told to girls who write
They want us to think that to be a girl poet
Means you have to die
Who is it
That told me
All girls who write must suicide?
I’ve another good one for you
We are turning
Cursive letters into knives

 My middle and early high school self worshiped Plath as a poet and as a mentally ill person. I truly believed that the sadder one was the better ones poetry (and we all know that isn’t true). In fact, my mom would take away my Plath and Sexton and other women poets because she said they made me maudlin. I don’t think they “made” me depressed, but it made it okay for me to be sad and angry and smart in a world that wanted me to be complacent and pretty and Christ-like.

In my later high school years my perception of Plath altered slightly. As a burgeoning feminist I was dismayed by Plath’s death and personal life seemed to over shadow her genius as a writer. Other women writers I loved had the same issue: Anne Sexton, Shirley Jackson, Edna St Vincent Millay, and Virginia Woolf were all “broken.” It was implied that this brokenness or illness caused these women to write or at the very least had a hand in the genius of the writing. On the contrary, Dylan Thomas and Ernest Hemingway and other “writers with issues” were primarily writers with personal lives, mental illnesses, and suicide seen as a mere footnote. To say I was pissed would be an understatement. I resolved to only adore my favorite authors, Plath was one of them, on the merits of the writing.

And then I had a baby my freshman year of college. I was pursuing creative writing and had plans to go to graduate school and travel and write books of poems and be a single mother to the most perfect little girl. And I was going to do all of it perfectly. Now Plath was back to being a writing role model and I felt a great personal affinity with Plath as a mother and a depressed woman. I understood her anger. I understood how goddamn hard it is to write and mother. I understood how greatly stacked the world still is against women – especially women who want everything. Yes, Sylvia, the Fig Tree spoke to me, too:


I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story.  From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked.  One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out.  I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose.  I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.  

~Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar, Chapter 7

 Now let’s jump ahead to myself as a 33 year old married mother working in an academic library and, yes, still writing (although I don’t share poems anymore). Having perspective and looking back on my life has allowed me to view Plath as an entire person. She wasn’t just a sufferer of mental illness, or a scholar, or a writer, or a mother. She was a human. Her life had sadness and hardship and ended in an awful manner, but among all of that was happiness. Love. Kids. Success. Life. A whole lot of life.

Paul Alexander’s biography of Plath, Rough Magic, is the first biography I’ve read of Plath that paints her as a human. Not totally good and not totally bad. Sad and ill at times and yet joyful and well other times. His discussion of Plath’s last year was also incredibly balanced. I’ve heard academics argue that Plath died because of Writing or Being a Woman in that Time or Ted Hughes being a Douchebag.

Guess what? Plath died for many reasons. Her death is the culmination of pretty much every reason one would have for dying. Of course balancing life as a mother and a writer is one aspect and Hughes did behave badly which didn’t help things. But there is also a family history of depression on her father’s side and she may have had postpartum depression which wasn’t recognized as a mental illness at that time, and actually mental health care wasn’t all that great back in the day, and she had been ill with sinuses infections and the flu for months, and she was worried about money, and due to the awful weather the electricity kept cutting off and her flat was horribly cold. Alexander turns Plath from Poet-Goddess-Martyr into a flesh and blood human with a death that was sad, but not some fate-ordained ending. I even think he aptly portrayed Plath as fighting to live; her introspection and writing, her reaching out to friends and family, and her personally seeking therapy and medical help all point to Plath trying to fight against her illness. This romantic notion that madness begets poetry and of the Poetess “indulging” in sadness is bullshit. Alexander gets it right with his portrayal of Plath as a real person and not an icon of  “insert movement” or a victim of a particular “-ism.”

I highly recommend this book to fans of Plath and those who enjoy well-written, non-fanatical biographies.

This book was read for my TBR Challenge!

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Itching to Read, OR, How World Book Night was Almost Ruined

The idea of giving dystopian feminist novels out on a street corner like a complete nutter appeals to me on so many levels. I eagerly anticipated World Book Night 2013 so I could giveaway my 20 copies of Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale at a local coffee shop. 

To sweeten the deal my good friend Catherine was coming over for a visit. We had plans to cuddle baby Persy, give out books, and indulge in some treats (Catherine brought cheese, Earl Grey, and homemade whole wheat quinoa bread). Sounds like the perfect day, right?  Catherine comes over. We gush over the baby. We gush over getting people to read. She brews a pot of coffee and we prepare to enjoy our day when…  … the daycare calls…

 … Atticus has a rash.

 I pick him up and take him to the doctor thinking that it is just his eczema flaring. We’ll get him checked out, slap on a cream and take him back to daycare so he can enjoy a day outdoors with his friends. Of course, nothing is this simple. The doctor declares its SCABIES. UGH. I leave the doctor, call Sam, line up prescriptions and prepare for a day alone with an itchy tot, a baby, the washing machine, and a vacuuming session.

OMG, what about World Book Night?! I cannot take a napless, parasite infested tot to hand out books. I want people to itch for reading, not just to … itch. So I did what any dedicated book nerd would do- I charged my fellow comrade in literature — Catherine – to hand out books for me. I dropped her off at the library — a quick walk to the coffee shop — and went home. But never fear, super husband appeared. Sam came home from work and stayed with the toddler and the baby. I joined Catherine on the sunny sidewalk outside the coffee shop. We ate bread and cheese and drank large cups of Earl Grey. And, of course, we gave away all the copies of The Handmaids Tale. We had the stack of books on the table and only gave away the books in fits and starts. I solemnly looked at Catherine and told her I thought I would know when someone needed this book. My days of handing out Bible tracks in middle school was going to pay off. We gave books to younger women, older women, younger men, older men and people seemed thrilled. Thrilled the books were free and thrilled it wasn’t a religious treatise.

I cannot wait for next year. Several of my friends are talking about doing a big event where we all give out different books in the same location. World Book Night is certainly a book event not to be missed.

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